kids Walk the Talk – Yours Not theirs

Whether you say what they should or shouldn’t, they’ll do it.

Have you ever experienced a situation where you tell a kid: “Don’t do [insert undesirable action]” and contrary to your expectations the kid does exactly what you told it not to do? For example, on the tennis court a kid practices a swing too close to another and you say: “Careful, don’t stand this close or you may hit your friend” and shortly thereafter the poor friend gets wacked by a racquet after the kid stands too close and chaos ensues.

After this and analogous situations happened to me multiple times I wondered: What am I doing wrong that makes the kids do the opposite of what I tell them to? The answer came to me in bits and pieces.

First, reading the kids facial expressions when I would say something along the lines of “don’t stand this close or you may hit your friend.” I would often observe hesitation, confusion, and curiosity. After the initial fear – hence the hesitation – of having done something wrong faded, I then realized that the negative consequences that I intended to prevent never occurred to the kid as a possibility, hence the confusion. This was followed by curiosity because of the innate human trait of the exploration of the unknown that is especially strong in children. Thus, introducing an unknown possibility to a kid’s reality triggered a natural urge of exploring that and set me as a coach up for disaster.

Secondly, I listened to an audio book about the Law of Attraction that claims that a person can call anything into their life through manifestations, visualizations, and affirmations. However, the book cautioned that the Law of Attraction does not understand negatives only actions hence, “I don’t want to break my leg” translates into “break my leg”. This inability of understanding negatives reminded me of the kids on the court that would do anything I tell them regardless of whether I said they should do it or shouldn’t do it.

Lastly, I observed a difference in results when communicating and emphasizing only the desired action versus admonishing the undesired action.

In conclusion, kids will do whatever you tell them to do they just do not understand negatives i.e. Don’t. So, in order for kids to be obedient the teacher needs to communicate only the desired outcome at all times. Therefore, instead of saying: “Careful, don’t stand this close or you may hit your friend” the right way to communicate it is saying: “Make sure you have more space that way you can practice your swing better.”